What About the Words: An Officiant Speaks Up
by Rev. Barbara Jamestone, PhD

Would you spend a year’s clothing and food budget on a big party complete with flowers, balloons, and table décor, and then conduct the whole thing in the dark?  Would you carefully select flowers, photography, fashion, and food, then not turn on the lights?  That’s what it feels like to me every time I attend an extravagant wedding and listen to the sometime trite and tired words of the ceremony, delivered in a perfunctory tone or read in monotone fashion. The only thing that disturbs me more is for the officiant to use the occasion as a chance to proselytize for his or her religion.   I never cease to be surprised when the bride calls me on the phone, confirms a date, and when asked about the wording of the ceremony, replies “Oh, nobody is listening to the words anyhow.  Just read something traditional.”

Well somebody IS listening.  Your heart.  His heart.  And there is no more perfect time for speaking to it than during your wedding.  That is your opportunity to really think about what your relationship means to each of you, to reflect together on precisely what vows or promises you are willing to make to each other, to get to know more about the beliefs your “about to be” spouse holds about ultimate things like faith, trust, god.  And you can do it all in the context of a written document, using somewhat stylized words, so that it’s not as awkward as might otherwise be the case when trying to speak intimately and clearly about the invisible things.  That’s not to say that  the “traditional rituals” of  the religious and legal professions do NOT say profound things—it’s just that those words are thoroughly “standardized” to one-size-fits-all, and so thoroughly repeated through wedding after wedding that they just don’t always sing out and do justice to your highest ideals and deepest feelings.

There’s another and almost equally important reason to think about the ritual acts and words that are spoken for your unique ceremony.  You are two unique people, bringing together two unique worlds. No matter how similar your backgrounds or culture or family structures may seem on the surface, there are differences, and your wedding ceremony can be a time for building bridges or networks between your two worlds.  It can be an occasion when you proudly bring something from your own past religious or ethnic or geographical tradition. This might include the obvious things, like breaking of glass in Jewish tradition, or both bride and groom wearing the laurel crown in Christian Orthodoxy.  And with consultation with a professional ritualist, you may discover the less obvious but perhaps even more important icons in your lives.  Are there family rituals you could incorporate, or little touches they add to weddings “down South” or “out West” or “up North”?  And even more personal, are there non-traditional values or family relationship and groupings you want to proudly acknowledge?  I will long remember the wedding where the bride walked the aisle alone, after both her mother and father were seated—and where her groom was walked down the aisle by his mother, with his father and step-father walking right behind! And if either of you have children already, wouldn’t it be memorable to specifically recognize them and your hopes for knitting together a new family?

Finally, a uniquely personalized ceremony is your chance to speak your heart to the people in the audience who you love, and to allow them to speak their hearts to you.  It can allow you to honor the memory of loved ones who have died and are whose love is with you still in spirit, perhaps by lighting candles and listing the names of those who now live in precious memory.  Your ceremony can allow you to acknowledge parents, by the traditional rose or in other more creative and personal touches.  And what ritual acts could help you to recognize those special friends whose caring has carried you many times in the past?  An accomplished officiant can help you find such ritual acts and objects, and can find questions to ask the audience as well as the couple.  For example, family and friends might be asked whether they will continue to nurture and support you as a couple just as they have supported you as individuals.

A wedding brings together a community of care and respect which will likely never be assembled in one place again.  Your best gift to your guests may be in the ritual acts and words which lift their spirits, renew their hopes regarding the possibilities of intimacy, inspire them to go out from your wedding determined to live and love more fully, reaching out to their world with joy and kindness.  They will not remember the wedding cake or cut of the tuxedos, but the words, if memorable, will never be forgotten.

Ask your officiant to craft a customized ceremony, with unique words and ritual acts that will make your wedding the time of your life!

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